My beautiful daughter is 17 months old today, and I am finally ready to sit and write a more honest story of her birth. My labor began in true-to-Hollywood form with my water breaking at 3 am. It wasn’t a gush, just a small trickle that continued when I got up to go to the bathroom. I check the leaking fluid with the strips my midwife had given me and watched it turn the long awaited blue. I went into the bedroom to nuzzle my husband “Sweetheart, you need to call work. You’re not going in today.” “Why not?” I giggled, kissed his neck, and sent my midwife a text. I tried to get some rest, but was far too excited. I went to the computer to play some games, hoping to tire myself out looking at the screen. To say the cramps were mild would be an understatement, but there was a little something going on.
I know it’s hard to believe, especially in a culture that teaches women to be terrified of birth, but I had no fear going into my labor. I read books by Carol Leonard and Ina May Gaskin like they were my bible, watched countless births online, and followed the natural birthing blogs. I trusted the process, trusted my body, and trusted my support team. I was genuinely excited for the chance to labor and bring my baby into the world naturally. And besides I was a doula attending births until my 8th month of pregnancy, I would know what to do…right?
I was able to get a few hours of sleep and cuddling with the hubby in, then ate a healthy breakfast, and drank some tea. Still some mild cramping, but nothing I would even pay attention to had I not known what it portended. I enjoyed looking through the nursery, made sure everything was in place, and then grew bored. It was a beautiful day out, so we decided to go for a walk by the river. I had a few good ones while we were out, but I was concerned they seemed to only hurt in my back. It was at this point I got a taste of what to expect from my midwife. She called to see how I was doing and I told her things weren’t strong yet and I was still having a very easy time so not to worry. Her response was “well don’t get too excited, this is going to get a lot harder.“ I found this lack of confidence slightly irritating but quickly forgot it. After our walk we stopped by my in laws house because I had to pee “Like now!” My father in law was home and noticed something was up, so we told him that we thought labor would be starting soon. Then, logically, we went and got fried clams. I had been craving seafood my entire pregnancy and wanted to enjoy it the way only a pregnant woman could one more time before having the baby. We went home to get some more rest and things finally began picking up. Contractions were every 5 minutes or so, but still very manageable and my doula was on her way.
When she arrived around 5 o’clock things were clearly starting to happen, but I was comfortable. She gave me a Luna bar to eat and we went for a quick walk around the block because I was feeling restless. While we were out I got another call from the midwife. I told her I was feeling restless and went for a walk, then I would be going home to relax. She asked how strong my contractions were and I told her they were still very easy to handle she then warned me again not to be too confident because my work hadn’t begun yet. I was annoyed and decided I wasn’t going to talk to her again until I knew things were really going. I didn’t need someone telling me how weak I was going to be. Her seeming lack of faith in me and my ability to birth was disheartening since she had never said anything like that through my entire pregnancy. It wasn’t that I thought this was going to be easy, I knew birthing was a lot of work, but I was looking forward to it and felt like she was trying to take that from me.
When we got back I decided I wanted to laugh and open myself that way, so we put in a Kat Williams DVD. Near the end of that things got much more intense. I was on hands and knees now through most rushes and my doula was putting pressure on my back. At some point we switched over to Dennis Leary, but I was unable to pay any attention to it. I stood up after a very strong rush and began pacing, telling my doula I have no idea what to do. I had expected from my training and trust in my body that I would just know what to do with myself to make the contractions hurt less, and my body was not telling me anything I could understand. We called the midwife to let her know that things were getting intense and I was having a good, strong, minute-long rush every 3 minutes . She said she had just gotten home from another birth and was very tired, so I should try to get some rest and to call her when things picked up more. I began feeling more panic, these contractions were HARD and close and she had said when I got to the magic 3-1-1 (3 minutes apart, lasting a minute, for an hour) she would come. This sudden deviation from the plan sent me whirling.
My husband suggested we go into the bedroom to relax and listen to our hypnobaby CD since the midwife had said to relax and rest. I tried, I did, but it was no use. Every time I would start to relax with the CD a wave would rush over me and nothing I was doing would relax it away. He rubbed my back, I relaxed my muscles and did my breathing exercises, and I listened to the CD. I don’t know how long I laid there struggling to hypnotize myself but eventually I bolted upright when another strong one hit and yelled “This is bullshit! This isn’t doing anything. I don’t feel like I’m on a fucking cloud…it HURTS!” I yelled for Cari, my doula and told her “I don’t know what to do. It hurts, bad and I thought I would know what to do but I don’t. What do I do?” She said something comforting enough to calm me down, and I began kissing my husband through each rush. It was a wonderful distraction, and it worked for a while. We called the midwife and were again told to wait. This is where the beautiful oxytocin must have really started kicking in, because things get a little fuzzy from here, but I’ll do my best to tell you what I remember. Eventually she said she was on her way, but she sounded very hesitant and annoyed. She said I only had an hour or two until she would be with us. There is a blurry period of a few hours where I was in and out of sleep and pain, waiting for the midwife to come. I remember laying in bed, seeing my doula’s face, and feeling my husband next to me, but the details are lost.
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