mmmm...Humble Pie can be delicious.

     I decided to look at the info section on my facebook account this morning and ended up having a decent little laugh at myself.  There were two paragraphs that I wrote when my daughter was about seven months old or so that just aren't *as* true fourteen months later.  My ideals and beliefs haven't changed much, if at all, in that time.  I have, however, gained some experience in the ways reality, and my daughters idea of how things should be, do not always go along with my ideals. 

     When I say my ideals have not changed, I mean that I still believe in most of the things I wrote here.  I believe these are excellent points for parents to strive towards and I can say I pursued most of them to the best of my ability at the time.  But with Bean being light enough for me to cart around town in a sling for hours, and not yet running through the house like a tornado, fourteen month younger me did not realize that I may have been biting off more than I could chew.  Without further ado, here are the two paragraphs in question:

"I believe strongly in women and children's rights. I am an intactivist, lactivist, and home birth advocate. It is also my opinion that Cry it out, sleep training, forced feeding schedules, and spanking are ALL child abuse. Circumcision IS mutilation. If you add me please understand that these topics will be discussed on my page.

When it comes to my daughter I believe in breast feeding on HER schedule, baby wearing, cloth diapers, attachment parenting, organic foods, co-sleeping (when she feels like it,) delayed vaccines, signing, nighttime parenting, peaceful parenting, and gentle mothering. I also acknowledge that these choices are not a good fit for all mothers, or all babies and what works for us may not work for someone else. So long as your choices are made with your child's best interests at heart, they are the right ones for you both."

So,  here is my revision with just over a year of extra experience as my editor.

I believe strongly in women and children's rights. I am an intactivist, lactivist, and home birth advocate. It is also my opinion that Cry it out, sleep training, forced feeding schedules, and spanking are ALL child abuse. Circumcision IS mutilation. I If you add me please understand that these topics will be discussed on my page.  First paragraph: check.  These things are all still true.  Now, onto the tricky one.

When it comes to my daughter I believe in breast feeding on HER schedule. I believe in it. That does not mean I always liked it.  For instance, her being hungry as soon as my food was ready was not my favorite thing in the world.  I was also not a fan of her being hungry six times in the same night.  I did it, don't get me wrong.  I didn't always love it.  Now though, if I could go back I would.

baby wearing, Another wonderful idea that I still fully support.  I also think that without my stroller certain outings would not have happened, or would not have lasted long.  I have a shoulder that now pops from holding my little daring so much, and bad knees and a bad back from 10 years of gymnastics.  Supporting an extra twenty-seven or more pounds (Beans weight from about 12 months on) all of the time is not ideal.  And sometimes,  I just don't want to have another human being attached to me.

cloth diapers,  I LOVE them.  I have an addiction to cute prints and trying different types.  I even like trying new ways of washing them.  You know what else I have?  A stash of sposies for days when I just can't do it, or forgot to turn the washer on. Sometimes, those days can feel luxurious.

attachment parenting, I wasn't fully aware at the time I wrote this that saying you believe in attachment parenting puts you into a bubble of sometimes overly detailed rules.  I like the idea, I like most of the ideas, and I would never call myself an attachment parent.  I prefer the term 'instinctual parent,' it better describes our way of parenting.  We do what feels right for us and for Bean, not what a website or book tells us.

organic foods, DUH! way to state the obvious probably-overtired-me.  I'll let you in on a secret though.  Last week, after a play-date gone wrong, two freak outs in the car, and an emergency trip to the grandparents house where all Bean ate was some watermelon and some crackers (that mostly ended up in the pool) I realized she was about to fall asleep on the ride home with almost nothing in her belly and quickly grabbed some McNuggets before loosing her to the sandman.  Much to my surprise she didn't vomit or poo her brains out and her skin has yet to fall off.  This will not become a habit by any means, but the last thing I want to do is give off a holy-than-thou vibe either.  In the cabinet, next to the slew of Anne's organic products and above the fruit bowl, there are fruit snacks and an Ettenmen's cake too.

co-sleeping (when she feels like it,)   My daughter does not like co-sleeping unless we are somewhere new.  I fought against this for months, and still try to sneak her next to me for a nap on occasion, but she absolutely loves her crib.  It's a loosing battle.

delayed vaccines, I was planning the Dr. Sears delayed schedule and unfortunately she got her first few rounds.  Now, we're not so sure what, if any, we are going to give her.  I believe there may be a time and place for certain vaccines, but I don't believe that is right now and in my daughter.  We still say delayed because I have not fully formed my opinion or gathered enough information, but we are definitely pointed towards a 'No Thank You.'

signing, It was a life saver.  I highly recommend teaching at least 'milk, food, more, and diaper.'  Learning signs also prompted her to make up some of her own, which was adorable.  My favorite was the way she would wiggle her fingers together, trying to mimic my motions during the itsy-bitsy spider, when she wanted someone to sing to her.  <3

nighttime parenting, This, I don't feel is an option. 

peaceful parenting, Like attachment parenting, I liked this term more before I realized it put you into a bubble and I still believe in most of it's ideas, but I don't like that people attack each other for not fitting perfectly into the same mold all the time. 

and gentle mothering.  Again, DUH!  But if she is about to pull a vase onto her head or stick a penny into the light socket I am not capable of gently saying "No, no Bean" as I softly pull her hand away.  I am going to scream like my head is on fire and run over to swoop her up and stop her.  It's not a gentle approach, but she doesn't go near the stove anymore because mommy freaks.

I also acknowledge that these choices are not a good fit for all mothers, or all babies and what works for us may not work for someone else. So long as your choices are made with your child's best interests at heart, they are the right ones for you both.  This paragraph, I believe, I wrote as a forward to my future self.  If you want to do the best for your child, and you're genuinely trying and they are genuinely happy and well loved, you're doing a good job.  It's okay that you're not perfect and they're not reading by two, hang in there and keep trying.  They most likely won't end up a serial killer because they stole a sip of grandma's Coca-cola that one time while someone was watching Family Guy.  It'll all be okay.

 "What?"

I'm terrified of my wedding day

     I went to a wedding yesterday, and on multiple occasions I had to fight back tears.  One, I don't wear make up enough to know if mine runs when I cry.  Two, we're not close enough for me to be crying at their wedding without looking like a nut-job. 

     Our friend was resplendent coming down the aisle, but my eyes were glued to the man at her side.  I tried to pick out every emotion; the pride, the joy, the love, and even the nervousness at being watched by so many people and imagine what those emotions would look like on my fathers face.  When they reached the end of their walk and she kissed his cheek I had to hold my breath to stop the sound in my throat.  When he gave his speech at the reception I couldn't help but think how different I'm sure my fathers would be, and how I would probably be a bit of a nervous wreck while he gave it wondering if at any moment he may swear, threaten my husband, or tell an embarrassing story.  No matter how nervous I may have been, I would give anything to hear that speech.

      I thought when we began planning that a year would be enough time for me to grow stronger.  I thought that if I poured myself into something happy and joyous it would help, and that maybe it would distract my family and help them too.  But mostly I thought that I had already waited too long.  The one thing that I had planned for my wedding day was the song I would dance to with my father.  I had known it for years, it was the one thing I could always picture clearly; it is the one thing that day I cannot make happen no matter how badly I wish for it.  I didn't think I could bare to have anyone else missing that day, and so I began to plan.  Even now my reason for sticking to our date when I'm struggling to plan is that I feel like somehow, if I push it back at all, I will jinx myself and lose someone else.

      I'm worried, now that those holes in my day may be more than I can handle.  I know I will be happy, thrilled, and in love.  I will have everyone who matters to me in one place as I celebrate spending the rest of my life with the most amazing man I have ever known.  And I'm so afraid I will ruin it.  I haven't been able to pick a song to walk down the aisle to because it hurts to imagine.  Even now, the thought of taking those steps without him by my side makes me crumble.  My biggest fear is that in the moment when I am supposed to be my happiest, I won't be able to focus.  I don't know if a year is enough time.  I don't know if enough time exists.  I feel like yelling at myself for being a spoiled brat.  I was lucky to have a father I loved so much.  I'm lucky to have found a wonderful man to marry, and to be able to have a wedding.  I'm lucky to still have so much of my family here at my age.  I know all of this and I want to tell myself all of the senseless things people tell someone at times like this "You can't focus on that" and "Just remember the good time" or "Don't LET it ruin your day," but I know all of those things are just what you say when you can't relate, or don't know what to say.  If doing any of them was possible, I wouldn't be writing this. 

     I want to hear him swear when his eyes well up, and get annoyed with him for ruffling my hair.  I would give anything for the things I know he would do, and the surprises he always managed.

     He should have been there.  He deserved to get to walk the child he raised down the aisle.  He deserved to celebrate with his family.  He deserved a dance with his granddaughter.  He deserved being more than a locket tied to a bouquet, and the reason for his daughters tears.