I went to a wedding yesterday, and on multiple occasions I had to fight back tears. One, I don't wear make up enough to know if mine runs when I cry. Two, we're not close enough for me to be crying at their wedding without looking like a nut-job.
Our friend was resplendent coming down the aisle, but my eyes were glued to the man at her side. I tried to pick out every emotion; the pride, the joy, the love, and even the nervousness at being watched by so many people and imagine what those emotions would look like on my fathers face. When they reached the end of their walk and she kissed his cheek I had to hold my breath to stop the sound in my throat. When he gave his speech at the reception I couldn't help but think how different I'm sure my fathers would be, and how I would probably be a bit of a nervous wreck while he gave it wondering if at any moment he may swear, threaten my husband, or tell an embarrassing story. No matter how nervous I may have been, I would give anything to hear that speech.
I thought when we began planning that a year would be enough time for me to grow stronger. I thought that if I poured myself into something happy and joyous it would help, and that maybe it would distract my family and help them too. But mostly I thought that I had already waited too long. The one thing that I had planned for my wedding day was the song I would dance to with my father. I had known it for years, it was the one thing I could always picture clearly; it is the one thing that day I cannot make happen no matter how badly I wish for it. I didn't think I could bare to have anyone else missing that day, and so I began to plan. Even now my reason for sticking to our date when I'm struggling to plan is that I feel like somehow, if I push it back at all, I will jinx myself and lose someone else.
I'm worried, now that those holes in my day may be more than I can handle. I know I will be happy, thrilled, and in love. I will have everyone who matters to me in one place as I celebrate spending the rest of my life with the most amazing man I have ever known. And I'm so afraid I will ruin it. I haven't been able to pick a song to walk down the aisle to because it hurts to imagine. Even now, the thought of taking those steps without him by my side makes me crumble. My biggest fear is that in the moment when I am supposed to be my happiest, I won't be able to focus. I don't know if a year is enough time. I don't know if enough time exists. I feel like yelling at myself for being a spoiled brat. I was lucky to have a father I loved so much. I'm lucky to have found a wonderful man to marry, and to be able to have a wedding. I'm lucky to still have so much of my family here at my age. I know all of this and I want to tell myself all of the senseless things people tell someone at times like this "You can't focus on that" and "Just remember the good time" or "Don't LET it ruin your day," but I know all of those things are just what you say when you can't relate, or don't know what to say. If doing any of them was possible, I wouldn't be writing this.
I want to hear him swear when his eyes well up, and get annoyed with him for ruffling my hair. I would give anything for the things I know he would do, and the surprises he always managed.
He should have been there. He deserved to get to walk the child he raised down the aisle. He deserved to celebrate with his family. He deserved a dance with his granddaughter. He deserved being more than a locket tied to a bouquet, and the reason for his daughters tears.
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